Still here!

Am still here... the blog is not dead yet!

Love & Longing In Mumbai!

It's been almost four months since my last post. And a lot has happened this period, somethings minor, somethings major!!
- I quit CNBC
- I went for a high altitude trek in the Himalayas
- I wrote my MA English Literature exams without reading a page
- I got a job with Times Now
- Goodbye Delhi, Salaam Bombay!
- Was homeless for two weeks
- Braved the worst floods Bombay has faced in a 100 years
- Almost got pushed out of a moving train, twice
- Discovered that half of the worlds population lives in Mumbai
- Showered hundreds of ten rupee notes in a dance bar
- Found that chilly chicken dry tastes best with OM & coke
- Spent unpardonable amounts of money, still counting...
- Realised that life is all about having as much fun as possible

The past couple of months in Mumbai have been rocking. Hic!

Hindustan Times, Lucknow Edition

Two And A Half Years Of Solitude

A continuation of my earlier post 'Working Man'...

And so after my long journey, I reach Nawab’s Own Country - Lucknow. No fans waiting with garlands, no band blowing trumpets but yes - a big, black, fat, smelly buffalo ambled over to me and almost pushed me on to the track. I think, it saw a luscious banana peel behind me and apparently thought, I might make a go at it!

My days in Uttar Pradesh thus began. Lived in that godforsaken place for not a week, not a month, not a year but for two and a half fuckin’ years. Did I really stay there for so long, I sometimes ask myself.

Week 1: I fall ill with food poisoning, think it was that kebab, I had from a wayside dhaba. Damn, that looked so inviting. I was a mess, out of action for 3 days.

Week 3: Fall ill with food poisoning, think it was the nahari kulcha (a beef dish) I had from another wayside dhaba. Out of action for 3 days.

A month later: Fall ill with food poisoning, think it was the mutton curry I had from yet another wayside dhaba. (I still say there was no weird smell to it!) Was out of action for a week. Almost died.

3 dhabas and 2 months later, I had lost 18 kg. - down from 70 kg to 52 ! From a chubby cheeked chakkara kuttan to emaciated, malnourished Rwandan tribal.

The icing on the cake was Typhoid - which followed a couple of months later. Typhoid Times were cool; I used to stand half-naked in front of my mirror counting my ribs. Hmmm, there is potential for a song on this...

After all this, I switched to a dabbawallah who supplied me with rotis (which were as tasty as aluminium foil), dal and fart-inducing boiled potatoes and beans for the rest of my life there.

Though ribbed, dotted and ultra thin, I persevered. I fought the odds and am pretty proud of myself. Good going Aravind! Here, have a biscuit.

It was a sight when my folks came over to take me back home. Amma broke down when she saw me at the station. She still tells my relatives about how a "grinning skull" came to receive her at the railway station.

The three weeks I was back home was Paradise Regained (© Milton). After the doc gave me a thumbs-up to non-veg goodies, I started gobbling chicken and fish with a vengeance (mutton & beef were still a no-no). I ate and ate and ate and along with the compulsory banana-apple-orange, I managed to get some of that chakkara kuttan look back into my element.

Back from the dead, back to Lucknow...

In the next two years that I spent there, things settled down. My tummy didn’t give up on me often, adjusted to the weather, made a few good friends, went to the horse races, read a million books, played some golf, travelled a lot, trekked a bit... (a post on my trek in the offing) life was not all that bad.

One day, I get my annual raise of Rs 360/-. I quit.

Aloha New Delhi

A Good Shit

Wife asks husband: Darlin', how much do you love me?
Husband replies: Dear, I love you as much as I love a good defecation.
Indignant wife ponders over this for a while, but in the end realises the wisdom behind her husband's words.
"You're really happy when you do a good dump!"

Here's wishing everyone a good shit!

Tonight I Party!

For the first time in two years, my office is throwing an official party. At a place called Forum in GK-II.
Man, I really need a break. It's been a few months since we launched a new channel and been working like a bloody dog.
Bacchus will be God of the Day. The birds will sing and the bees will sip sweet nectar.
And what will I be doing?
I plan to have fun. ;-)
I plan to have a lot of fun.

The next post apres le partie...

Maths is Gay!

I recently read somewhere Maths is tough because it's gay. Ha Ha Ha! I hate the subject and don't regret flunking in it perpetually in school. My record is 7/100.
All that Algebra where x and y used to screw my mornings up, Trignometry with which you can find out how tall the coconut tree outside the classroom is, by just looking at it, Menstruation or is it Mensuration where you draw circles and triangles..., wait but I think that's Geometry! What the heck is the former? I forgot. How cool!
I know how to count, I know how to add, subtract and multiply. Haven't divided in a long time, so just a vague memory of it remains. These are the only things one needs to know in Math. For everything else, you have the calculator and Tam Brams. Maths is Gay! LoL.

Did You Know?

It costs just Rs 1500/- to transport an Elephant through Indian Railways - Sleeper class or 3 tier AC, I Dunno. Transporting a horse is cheaper - only 750 bucks whereas mules, camels, horned cattle and my boss will cost you Rs. 200/-. Ok, I was kidding about the boss - it will cost much more.
But, looking at these prices, I doubt if they'll be served tomato soup and bread sticks.

The Fucking Swami

A bit of digression here…

Mumbai/New Delhi: January 30: The Fucking Swami does just that – he fucks!
The Story: I was conned by a CD seller in Mumbai. And it’s not everyday that somebody cons ME!! To save a thousand rupees, I bought a pirated version of Norton Antivirus – with a printed cover and all that; the asshole-of-a-seller even gave me a guarantee! After coming back to Delhi, I tried installing it but something was wrong. I clicked on explore to open the CD and what do I find – a cheap porn movie!

But hold your horses! It was porn alright, but not a movie. Some sort of Tehelka-esque filming of a sex crazed, saffron-wearing Sanyasi who went about humping all the women in his mutt! Hole in the bag, camera inside the bag, a keyhole view of some disgusting sex acts. Sickos, man! The VCD also showed the main hall of the mutt where prayers were going on, devotees praying etc. The journalist in me said, Buddy, you’ve a bomb in your possession – do a story, make everyone aware of what’s happening, cleanse thy soul, save the world... But deskies are supposed to be lazy and like all lazy sub editors, I did nothing.

On second thoughts, who the hell cares man? Let the world fuck itself away! All of us are just city-bred monkeys who copulate without shame in public. Lage Raho!

The issue of getting antivirus for my computer remains…

Working Man

2001 was an important year in my life. My days as a student ended and I became a Working Man. (Blog about my student days some other day)
Boy, it wasn't easy. But then, what do you expect as a l'il 21-year old in a hostile, goonda-infested, paan-spitting, Mughlai-farting place called Lucknow.
For anyone from South India, places like Delhi, Mumbai and even Bongdom Kolkata are accepted, but Bihar, UP, Ente Ammachi!!
"Aiyyo, Hari-kuttane engane angane oru sthalathottu ayakkum?" (Aiyyo, how can you send our dear Hari (my pet name) to a Godforsaken place like Lucknow?) So mourned all my relatives to Mom & Dad. We persisted, I remained undaunted.
For me it meant, freedom, breaking away from the shackles that bound me for the last 21 years with my family in the 'sleepy little town' of Trivandrum. It meant independence - my own rules of the game, my own place (Read, I can do anything within those four walls and a ceiling and nobody can do anything about it (Read - I can... nah. Lemme leave it at that!)
So, I packed up my underwear and VIP cotton-rich socks and headed out to Mulayam-Mayawati land Uttar Pradesh!
[Aside: Is India only the seventh largest country in the world? I doubt it - Mera Bharat Mahan is vast man, it simply is gigantic.
Monday early morning: I set my butt on the Gorakhpur-Raptisagar train
Tuesday: Train
Wednesday Night: I reach Lucknow, after spending 64 fuckin' hours on the train!
Whew! ]

[Sitting in the cozy confines of my office in New Delhi, it's fun re-living my Lucknow days. ]

What happens after our hero reaches Lucknow? You'll ( 'You'? - This is after all a blog) have to wait for sometime. I got a signal...

Birth

And I've arrived!